Baboon Britain | Nathan Wilson

When we think of grand projects, we often think of some of the biggest feats in human engineering. Ideas like The Pyramids, the Great Wall of China or even the Internet might come to mind. However, one such project we have chosen to ignore has come in the form of non-material objects but even within the form of animals.

It has been wondered if the UK Post-Brexit should pursue as its projects, what is meant by this, is not regarding policy but as a means of reasserting a country’s national commitments to itself. As a way of countering the slow managed decline of the Western World. It was both Arnold Toynbee and Oswald Spengler, would worry about the death of abstract thought and idea coming back to bite the West.  In addition to this, our demographic decline, has left much to be desired regarding our national psyche and need for a solidifying rallying cry.

Or even individuals like Allan Bloom, who himself worried that we in the West are slowing closing our minds to the world, eventually leading to a collapse in our operating systems. Chinese Political Theorist Wang Huning once stated that in his landmark book, ‘America against America’, that “While Western modern civilization can bring material prosperity, it doesn’t necessarily lead to improvement in character”.

Subsequently, I would like to put forward perhaps the biggest untapped mine of potential talent and character, this being instead of horsepower, we use baboons to power this nation forward. This will define out future politics, as ourselves as a human race. We in Britain can start this trend and reap these rewards, it is this that will allow us to become hegemonic again.

As documented in a previous article last year, the power of the baboons has yet to be fully realised. With initial discovers being made by South Africa during the late 19th Century and early 20th Century. It has become known that Baboons hold many secret talents. From fighting in World War One and becoming a successful train conductor, one might begin to wonder how else these primates could be used to function. In the past, horses were used for farming and pigeons to send messages during war, when one must look to the future one must look to the baboon.

Consequently, what we need to pursue as our grand project has been the mass education and subsequent usage of baboons to achieve all our national projects and goals. HS2 costing too much and going over budget, use baboons, cannot get people to pick litter off the streets, use Baboons etc.

I will explore this through the following two sections: Grandiosity/ why it is cool and Feasibility/ why It is certainly possible. As such, I intend to only present a mere glimpse into the potential of this national project, and all leave it for the reader to decide how Baboons will change their lives and our beautiful nation.


Firstly, we must look at how grand and cool this would be. Could you imagine neighbouring nations wasting their time using vast public expenditure on letting humans build roads or cut grass, while we use the primate power to achieve our local needs. With military service and even train conducting, one might begin to wonder about the true power of our monkey friends. Like the United States in the 1940’s with the invention of the Atom Bomb, we would firstly have something that nobody else on earth had at our disposal and most importantly they would fear us for it.

Of course, this is cool, could you imagine watching a team of baboons fill in potholes or even deliver the mail. The potential of such animals remains limitless, in what this could do for the UK in the long term, they could even be used to achieve other grand projects that fellow Mallard writers have contributed. I personally love the idea of having a second Humber Bridge, but now imagine how cool it would be, if the bridge was built with the power of monkey.

What many of you might be wondering is that simply this would be exceptionally cool, everyone would have their own personal baboon butler, and both the private and public sector would have this labour for free.

Imagine if you will, baboon schools, like that of schools for dogs that help the deaf and blind. You would spilt them up into their separate professions, for their training. The size and scale of these schools will depend on our needs as a nation, but a solid million baboons would be an ideal start to achieve our goals en-masse. The Baboons would be used to help facilitate and compete against all nations, something that would be very grand indeed.

It has often been wondered about what it might be like to return to being apes or Monke, yet nobody has asked about the potential of bringing apes into the future. I know you will probably be thinking, how this is going to be achievable and trust me, it will be easier than you think.


So, believe it or not this would be vaguely cheap, unlike our public projects or initiative. Following on from this, you will never have to pay for the Baboons, think about how expensive it is to maintain pensions, HR departments and yet how cheap a monkey really is.

After the initial costs for training, keeping feed and housed, there is nothing really after that. Baboons will not use the NHS, they will not unionise, and they will definitively not be voting, they are the perfect government worker. Alongside this, they take up very little space, baboons are not humans, they have very different needs, plus this will help with the housing shortage, as the baboons will be the ones building the homes for us.

Unlike our education system, you will not need eighteen years of education to train the baboons, probably two-three years max depending on the profession. Baboon porters in hospitals, baboon street cleaners and baboon builders.

But before everyone starts to worry about losing jobs, do not worry, baboons will be working alongside the workers in the menial roles, man will remain supervisor. In addition to this, it will remain vitally important to understand that throughout the entire Planet of the Apes films, none of the clever animals are baboons, so we do not need to fear potential primate proletariat uprising.

Subsequently, think about how expensive the funding of the NHS is to the public coffers, or sending a man to the Moon. Yet, these pale in comparison to the relative cheapness of the baboon and his true value. In short it remains simple, we use the baboons, as such whoever controls the baboons, controls the universe, and like previously mentioned this is like the invention of the Atom Bomb. The only difference with this, is that the Atom Bomb has already been invented and yet the Baboons remain untamed and untapped.

In conclusion, what we should be seriously considering is the widespread usage of baboons within the UK. This is because it is so crazy and insane that it just might work, we have seen in the past the many successes with using baboons to work in various industries, so why not let them help in shaping our future.

Photo Credit.

You may also like...