Today’s Monarchy is a Platinum Opportunity | Daniel Evans
Oh dear. What is this? And I thought *I* submitted some crazed nonsense to the Mallard.
Duckies, this piece has probably ruffled a few of your feathers. It looks like this clumsily verbose writer even plucked one to literally give himself a nom de plume. That’s how you do pomposity, Hansel, so hot right now. Bilingual wordplay in the mincing tongue.
Anyway, duckies, don’t worry, I’m here now. Leave this dunce Hansel the Grouch behind in his trash can of mental squalor. But forgive him. You’d probably be grouchy too if you lived in a mental trash can. Anyway, he wants you demoralised and surrendered. I would have you ambitious, looking forward, and strong. Let me give you some food for thought, but I’m also going to pluck you a bit too.
Hansel is not entirely wrong. The monarchy is in trouble. The Platinum Jubilee is in danger of being one last hurrah. It’s the end of an era. The feeling of change will come easily. The Queen is old and she either hasn’t been able or willing to prevent the monarchy’s slide.
The Church of England, I cannot help, but Hansel, there is no “we” here. You are resigned, you clearly have no energy of your own, or power to act, and you are a stranger among the loyal. You go in the boo box with Boris Johnson.
The monarchy is in trouble, but there’s still an opportunity. Starting low means you can go up, and that always feels great.
There is plenty that can be done not only to revive the monarchy, but strengthen it, and take it forward. The monarchy still has enough position, reputation, good will, and money, it is not starting from nothing. To the future King:
- Use your wealth to go into business, build, and invest. Hire correctly if you need to and have your new investment manager back the technology, companies, etc. of the future. Simultaneously take away the tax criticism while making yourself inextricably part of cool new projects, products, and services which everyone will need and marvel at. Learn from Elon Musk. You know what? See if he’ll help out and make him the Duke of Mars or something.
- Speaking of Elon Musk, learn from SpaceX. Never mind my nonsense about the British Space Empire. They are your armed forces. It is the Royal Navy, the Royal Marines, the Royal Airforce. Sorry army, you are Cromwell’s. Not sure how you should feel about that. Anyway, it is more than time for the Royal Space Force. UK Space Command already exists. You can start it as a branding exercise. Just change the name. Then have a look at SpaceX for what comes next. The Royal Space Force ought to basically be a great big tech start-up. That’s what most of space warfare is about anyway. Hire young, hire cheap, give out cool titles. Elon can’t knight people (yet). SpaceX is a great case study. It’s basically the US space capacity. As if Elon Musk wasn’t sexy enough, he’s also basically a 21st Century privateer. That’s polite for “pirate”.
- And speaking of branding, the monarch should make himself the Caliph of Britain. Add this to his many titles. It’s realpolitik regarding today’s British citizens, it’s strong, it’s bold, it is the House of Windsor’s by right. It solves Hansel’s stingy marriage pedantry. Hansel, you’re a peasant, and a King doesn’t have to live by your peasant standards. Besides, Islam allows up to four wives. Perhaps he can add your mum and the girlfriend you wished you had to his roster.
- Here’s one you can help with, duckies. In honour of Her Majesty’s Platinum Jubilee, rename the NHS to the “Royal Health Service”. Whatever you think of it, it’s there, and it’s not going anywhere soon. At the very least demoralise the progressives, remove their sense of ownership, and restyle it for the minds of the public.
That’s it. Your turns next, duckies. What are your ideas? The future King can do ideas one to three entirely without anyone else’s permission. Idea four very much is political. This is a front on which we will have to do our part and attack for the monarch. For now.
Sir, what have you got to lose? Be bold, be strong, be unpredictable, be marvellous, be a King, or very soon you might not be, and not by your own choice, and not because it was inevitable.